“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” -Proverbs 17:22
Friends in churches are probably wondering, or tired of wondering, where I've gone and why it has taken me forever to come back and serve again.
Disclaimer: I'm not referring to any specific church, I've been to a lot of ministries. This is regarding the community as a whole.
Background
I'm a third generation Chinese living in Manila but I'm far from traditional - I'm not fluent with Hokkien or Mandarin. I can understand but not reply back in my native tongue. I also took Multimedia Arts back in college and currently co-own a multimedia studio and co-author Chinese-Filipino comics, and lastly I also collect antiques and dress in blazers, suits, and leather shoes 85% of the time.
I grew-up in a Christian school with a Buddhist family background. I grew-up rebelling against the expected mold because of my love for the arts and history. At an early age, I was adamant in becoming an artist rather than handling papers in corporate. Hey, I get 90+ in History and Social Studies, but 70+ in Math and Chinese quizzes. Dishonor on my cow, I know.
Somewhere along the way, I grew resentful of authority and was an atheist for a few years. But long story short, come third year high school in early 2009, I found God again. But at this point, I'm already used to being an outsider looking in. My input doesn't matter; my self-esteem and confidence are non-existent. You don't get much recognition for being good at illustrating anyway, except for designing the batch logo. High school was a terrible time for me hence I've never watched movies like High School Musical, Mean Girls, Glee, etc. Lol!
Golden Years
My first few years in a youth ministry and leading one during college were some of my best years. I finally know what a character arc feels like. I've become more confident and secured, I'm happy with speaking in public about my faith and the feeling of being trusted to lead projects. Despite whatever trials and ridicules I've faced for being a Christian in an arts school, I thrived. Graduating with an honorable mention even, and by God's strength, got a 100 from a notorious panel for the Christian thesis. At this time, I've made a lot of new friends from different churches and visited each others' youth ministries to support and help each other out.
But during those last few semesters in college, small conflicts in ministries snowballed into something larger before I realized too late. Certain people whom I've looked up to were not who they seem, while I've gotten a single threat from someone whom I haven't spoken to in a long time and made it look like I was in the wrong. College self didn't have the guts to speak out and rather than to cause more trouble, I just swept everything under the rug.
To this day, I don't know what became of me after that. Could it be depression? Disillusionment? But what I do know was that I felt heavy, and after delivering a five-minute sermon in youth ministry instead of 45 due to being overcome by such heaviness, I just left and started fresh.
My faith in God has not waivered, for I know what He has done in my life. But I had no idea how to address the lowkey heaviness that has plagued me since then. People will always disappoint, that's a fact. But how do you treat wounds you don't understand?
Whirlwind
The mentors whom I've looked up to in ministry were out for quite a long time due to handling pregnancy, and I did not want to bother them and respect their privacy. For years down the road I've been to more ministries to explore, but I pretty much felt like a drifter at this point. I did not even know what kind of burden I was feeling, but things only got worse for me after. I was in a state of denial too that things were okay for me, despite the salt that was being added to my wounds. It was an unhealthy case of only assuming the best in everyone.
Just to backtrack a bit - being in an arts school, there are relatively few men there. My supportive college barkada were mostly women. I don't play DotA, I don't play basketball, I know nothing about modding cars, BUT I can talk to you about movies, history, art, music, and I enjoy going to museums and antique shops.
From first-hand experience, this was where ministries at the time were lacking: being able to handle and accept people who are different from them. Not to blame them, I guess. I am too foreign for my Filipino friends, and I am also too foreign for the Chinese Filipino community. A small pocket of Chinese artists can relate.
But the sad part was the amount of bullying I got which only added to my feelings of isolation. In one ministry, people believed I was gay. In another one, I was accused of being a playboy - plus whole movie star crowds that pick on you for not looking like them. Do people in church get offended when I show up in leather shoes and lightweight blazers instead of hypebeast sneakers and sweatpants? Am I automatically gay for being a fulltime artist who owns a couple of floral shirts? Do people take offense when I'm silent in men's conversations about DotA and basketball but become chatty when women talk about the arts or ask where I get my vintage collections? Is it my fault that Christians who are actually more vocal, not politically biased, actionable, socially aware, and civic-minded about the injustices of the current system are more times women than men?
The last place I'd expect to see men "asserting their dominance" over me would be in church.
A friend in ministry started wearing leather shoes and polos with my encouragement only to be discouraged via bullying, a former church leader gave away a vintage gift I gave him to someone whom he was seeing that time because she likes it, church leaders posting about how extrajudicial killings are justifiable and turn a blind eye from political injustice but instead offer prayers, and another former church leader broadcasting in public that I was a manipulative playboy - he did apologize afterwards, but the damage has been done. Just a few examples of many. At this point, I can only look at how happy I was in my first years of serving in ministry. At this point, my childhood anger against authority was coming back. This would be a common struggle for me years down the road.
And guess what, through all these drifting and exploring, the heaviness never went away. I sustained a Christian life with actions, devotions, and attending Sunday services alone. But that was it, I was alone in my walk for years, and it didn't help. My relationship with the Lord and the community was stagnant.
What also didn't help was how the church was patronizing every celebrity that proclaimed Jesus, as if struggling for relevance. I can only recall how I was treated in a crowd that tried too hard to be relevant in today's pop culture. "I want to be famous first so I can share Jesus," the aspiring vloggers said.
Helps reinforce why to this day, I never had celebrity crushes.
At this point, the heaviness was already crippling every aspect in my life. I had no joy in serving, Christian culture was slowly turning into Hollywood but running on holy water, I stayed in on Sundays because of being drained emotionally, creating art was more of a chore, and I would cancel last minute on Christian gatherings - because of this heaviness that drains my joy. Maybe I might've had an undiagnosed case of depression all this time. But I can't say for certain. Medication and consultation was expensive, and I think traditional Chinese parents wouldn't accept the diagnosis if my suspicions were true.
I was in a constant tug-of-war between seeking help and fearing of being ostracized again. No matter which community I end up in, there will always be that someone. Even a middle-aged man creepily messaging my female friends and mocking my being at the same time.
Despite telling others to seek God, I was frequently in a state of frustration, anger, or disappointment with myself. Can a Christian only rely on prayers and reading the Word for healing when the community he is in is the source of the harm?
Recently
You're probably wondering if there's a light at the end of this whirlwind of a post. I guess you can say there is. I've reconnected with my mentors from my first years in ministry, and I've recently discovered another group by accident, because of our jokes with memes.
Imagine unpacking everything I've written above, and I wanted to cry but my heart was hardened to the point they actually felt my coldness towards the church. But never in my life have I ever experienced a group where people actually took the time to listen and peel all the layers back slowly even if it meant finishing near midnight. I will never forget that time when one of them felt the pain of the injustices I got from years of being in ministry, before I could even mention it explicitly. She cried, and I cried as well. Truth be told, I haven't felt that kind of validation in almost 10 years.
"On behalf of the church, with all the years of suffering you didn't deserve, we're sorry."
Believe me when I say that I can feel the hard shells of my heart breaking away even if it's bit by bit.
This is the kind of culture I've been seeking for years, where people are back to their roots - the Word. No celebrity glamor, no struggles for dominance in leadership, just the heart for people to be better than they were yesterday. I suddenly miss everyone whom I was with when we first opened a bible study group on campus almost 10 years ago. It was a refuge and safe haven for those who couldn't open up their problems at home. I'm really happy that some of them went on to be fruitful and started their own groups later in life.
I never stopped believing in Jesus despite everything. That's what a personal encounter with Jesus does to you.
I guess you can say the road to recovery is in sight. I haven't healed 100% yet, and I'm still dealing with personal demons as of writing, and it still cripples me from time to time. But it's been a while since I've openly talked about my faith again, and I've stepped inside a church building again after being gone for years.
I do not know what is to come, nor if this chapter will be the same as the last, but as we grow older, so is our wisdom and maturity. The youth culture that has caused me harm to begin with is no more now that everyone has grown up. Everybody has moved on with life. But that doesn't mean one has to bury their wounds as if it never happened. That is toxic positivity.
Addressing your wounds and bringing them closure, I believe, is essential in the Christian faith. I'm still there to be honest. I have forgiven everyone, and if I have wronged anyone, I am deeply sorry. It was never my intention. These wounds still bleed a little, but at least I know where they are now.
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, because they have called you an outcast." -Jeremiah 30:17
Story by Cedric Cheng
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